god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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