I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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