I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
