I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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