Dude my mom stole all your condoms
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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