just tell him i said nine months
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
