I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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