I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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