Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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