dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
