btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
