What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My vagina just clenched in fear
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
