ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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