I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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