Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this just has baby written all over it
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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