So drunk its hurt
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
