The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
