Your dad touched me again.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
