probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
