Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
