What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
