just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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