I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
