No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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