this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
