cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize