What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
