you have to choose: penises or morals?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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