i think my tv is drunk
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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