I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
