She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I need to calm my uterus...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
