The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
