I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
