i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
