When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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