My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
