there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
