thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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