Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
