I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
