I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Randomize
