It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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