Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
