I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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