She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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