Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
