What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
