Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
