just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You dont lie about slip and slides
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
