I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
