just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
