3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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