I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
