I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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