my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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