Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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