Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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