I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
