I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
