I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
