I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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