Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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